quixotism | [fanfic] [star trek] 4 people jim kirk hated and one he couldn't do without

Everything was Frank’s fault.

It was a slow calming mantra Jim repeated to himself, covering his head under the blankets, his hands wrapped around himself, a cocoon within a cocoon. IT was Frank’s fault his mother was never around, it was Frank’s fault Sam always slammed the door and never talked to Jim during dinner. It was all Frank, Frank, Frank.

He squeezed his eyes tight, begging for sleep. Not every part of Jim believed it was Frank’s fault and those parts were harder to silence.

Jim didn’t think family.

Jim thought Sam.

Because Sam was there, Sam listened and Jim was a leech, doing what Sam wanted, because Sam had to be there, Sam had to stay, because without Sam, Jim wouldn’t understand anything anymore.

He drove that car off a cliff. He disobeyed. He spent every minute of his life fighting back, even though the fight itself was unimportant. And every time Sam bailed him out, looking somber and upset, Jim couldn’t help but smile.

Because this is what Sam wanted. And Jim gave him the whole package deal.

When Jim was young, too young to comprehend why he never celebrated his birthday, too young to understand why his mother stare at him with tears in her eyes, she would tuck him into bed and tell him, “You have the best name in the world, Jimmy. Your daddy gave it to you.” And Jim never asked why, never really understood the importance of a name, but he glowed a little and his mom kissed his forehead.

It took him much later to realized she hadn’t meant that in a good way.

Finnegan was what Bones would call “a rat bastard”

And Jim completely agree, Finnegan was a rat bastard to the core. Finnegan would jeer at him in the halls (hero’s pet!), throw his study discs discreetly, call him “Jimmy T” and drape all over his shoulders like he belonged there. He was annoying, but Jim was annoying too, so he threw, word, disc and insult back in Finnegan’s face with a pat.

The real feeling of hatred blossomed when Finnegan ratted out Gaila after the Kobayashi Maru. And even seeing his name on the deceased listings did not still the anger in his fists.

To the end… a rat bastard.

Jim wouldn’t lie that there’s a part of Spock that he wishes to tear out and stamp on with bluster. The way he talked, the way he stood, straight, tall, immovable, unbreakable. There were no fractures in his eyes and Jim couldn’t stand it. Perhaps it was a touch of envy too, the ideal Spock represented, the man who didn’t need to be fixed.

Sometimes Jim thinks he left him stay out of a deep masochistic need. Sometimes, he thinks he wants Spock to break under him, like water on a dam.

But mostly, he thinks that he can hate himself less if Spock was there to do it for him.